The last day of school
long before the little alarm clock rings, I get up. I am very nervous, I feel very queasy. My parents are still asleep, they are at some point last night home come, I lay in bed early. It will be very warm today. In the kitchen I pour myself on instant coffee, black mocha, with a sweetener. Then I cancel three vitamin tablets in a large glass of water. I imagine, the mix of vitamins and minerals to keep me awake today, attentive, efficient, Abi for the last exam. It is the day of examination, history, in my case. Yet I quickly threw away two slices of bread, leaving a few crumbs on the plate, next to which I apply a little honey and marmalade on the nose. It is for my parents who will rise up like that look as if I had had breakfast. I have breakfast not long ago, guard a secret of which no other white, I myself probably not.
in the hallway I say goodbye even from my mother, go down, get my old Dutch bike from the basement, my race bike rests in bed sheets, protected from dirt next to it. The sun shines bright, the day is warm, but this summer I will not sweat, my body feels somehow different. The fatigue bothers me. I turn on the dirt road that leads me to the neighboring village, a distance of about six kilometers, I ride consistently for three years with the bike. My classmates have long since traveling in cars, meet in front of the school in the parking lot. On my bike ride I am mostly alone. Today I realize how difficult is driving this green city bike, not because it has no gears, but somehow at the bottom klebt.Ich apply myself to comply with the usual travel time, show no weakness, now on the last day of school. The past weeks were read from books for hours in my room. I went to each subject once more carefully in order not to forget anything that might be expected in the Abiprüfungen of me. Besides, I drink a lot of Coke Light, at least I have to hide the bottles in my room and secretly bring new life, because my mother will remember nothing of my brain doping. Once at school, I put the bike again in the bicycle stand, close down, go to the school building, which now held the oral examination. I avoid a lot to talk with my classmates, because somehow I'm inside somewhere else where I can finally have time alone and feel protected from the world around me.
In the long hallway I take a last place in the row of chairs. I get handed the exam paper and I have half an hour to prepare myself on the issues that are behind me made by my history teacher from Ministry of Education and other examiners Dusseldorf. Subject of the examination, National Socialism -. Hitler came to power on this subject but as far as I am well prepared, but my nervousness, my fear makes me tremble, I feel sick, my voice trembling inside, put your feet under the table wobbling. The result, the rating will get me later.
The test was abgeschlossen.Ich exchange a few words with my former school friends, had the feeling of having failed in the test. With a bad mood I go to the bike racks next to the old gym where we always had sports. It was always an oppressive atmosphere in physical education, It was something of exposing its own weaknesses and mistakes. Improve the performance, in this hall. On the final journey back home I realize that I'm only here once, to take the matriculation certificate in reception when I passed what appears to me these days is anything but probable.
I have a bend in the road that come to my parents house führt.Meine parents to meet me and ask me how it worked. I express all my concerns and the feeling of not bestehen.Mein lunch is on the table and I lay it down quickly in the toilet verschwinden.In lately I find a thousand reasons alone to eat. Time I had an early hunger, sometimes I'm nervous because of the tests, other times I just want to have my peace.
This was my last day of school, so it should be.
I drove a few weeks later, again to school to pick up my Abi-witness. The other students had it on the Abi-Ball, a celebration with parents, if possible in the suit, accepted. I was on this day to bed early, I was afraid of the ceremony and was glad that my parents no great emphasis was laid on to go there.
that time I weighed almost 45 kilograms, had anorexia and severe depression, came the first time in psychiatric treatment.
That was the day that began a different life.
It was the beginning of a long search, a trip was to myself
same time, the largest inner emptiness that I had ever felt.
I think especially in the summer back to this time and it seems to me as if it were only yesterday.
My family faced a new situation, we have a lot of talk, where words were missing before. to
From that day, was much different from when it was planned.
From that day, was much different from when it was planned.
