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journey into the past track

Thursday, 30/11/2006
"[...] I feel something like fear. But it does not belong to me. Nothing belongs to me. Anyway, I've often felt as if it were .
damn often.
I know I did not actually ask who I am. But I am concerned however about it. Is it at all important? Do I have to know it? Why? It would change nothing. I had better start me to get my plan. A life plan. Something about that I can hold me, something that fills me, makes me happy and shows me that I am a person who can do it. Be happy. I see the other girls and do not feel happy with them. They turn away from me because they do not understand me.
you say I speak in riddles. Here I speak only when I am sure what I'm saying. So they do not scare me and never want to have with you. But still they would go away. They say I'm living on another world, am absent.
hear from the supervisors I know that I seem anxious, looking around their inhibitions and have to talk.
All DBT group says they like me because I am open and friendly and intelligent and have humor. I approach people, I am helpful and condemn anyone.
Some people outside like my profundity, my analytical mind and my skills, to see that thing, that feeling can be seen behind a facade.
Some Few love to my madness, my otherness, my creativity, spontaneity, innocence and my courage.
I do not understand what this is all about. No matter who I ask, everyone believes something different to me to know, for me to like it. If I add up everything that is comprehensible but absolutely no picture of me. I wish I could look in the mirror and see for yourself what makes me ... "

four years of this diary entry ago. I quite understand yet that it is normal for others I always see a little different, as re- others and I myself, it was certainly more pronounced than 'normally', it was certainly due to my many-being, which I guessed at that time more than ignorance or denial mainly have.
I remember how much I and the uncertainty has taken. I was really sad and desperate about the fact that I could not judge me, not even for a moment.
It was the time when I needed a lot of feedback from the outside to me to know ourselves and keep learning. Today I know that it was the beginning of 'my way', then it felt entirely differently, like a deep hole, a dead-end were held by me in which I broke me. I saw no path, no direction, even though it was directly in front of me.
I find it exciting to look back to days and feelings that seemed so important, as they were held. To read how I felt and thought, what a conversation I had then and what was important to me and support was, for me to go on a motivation because I see the development, realize that I am capable and willing to change me and draw strength from this, continue to to fight what is important to me - my life.

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thoughts

I look around me and know nothing more than the end of a day.
A horror about the timelessness of me and I fall victim to steal.
pushes into a gravity that seems unspeakably easy.
I breathe .. and only one thing to me:
A sunset does not wait.

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Finally!

The new service could this week finally, finally begin. After a year of waiting, I now had only two appointments with my new supervisor and I'm at least as excited as excited. :)
you like I can do it to me and I just feel that we have a good time together will be.
had the first conversation I have a handkerchief in her hand, which was tattered in the end all, because I'm so nervous rumgegnubbelt always working. I had traveled several times to shame, but it was then but at some point again in my hand. So go have her. : D I
I also believe some crap and was told they like to call again on the way back and tell her that it is actually quite different from what I said - that 's pretty typical for me and I had to smile so pretty. For me it is the character that have been following the other conversation. Finally move comes into play, the others are finally involved again and let me share a tiny bit of it. It was missing that feeling that others are as well say and do.
Three times a week so I will now work with the new supervisor and I can only repeat again that I think about it much, am very happy. At last the wait and patience to an end! Juhuuu:)

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Split

The title 'Split' is so very meaningful and yet so accurately, I must smile.
It is strange though familiar - I read through the last blog entry and nod: Yes true, I've felt that and perceived. But was not something else? Had I not also have a completely different topic, that was very relevant and engaging? It is a typical phenomenon, probably especially when one is Many: one becomes involved with contradictions, trying to solve a problem, triggering new problems elsewhere, see 'there' closer, more focused every now and then knows little more of 'here'.

Unfortunately I can not just write about all that I 'think straight'. For it is either too much or too little and too confusing.
Too much, because too many people think the same about something that is totally different (now for example is about the new service, which begins at last / terrible legally next week, reconstruction and development versus throw away from all things that we sometimes just as support for have written us to consider how we approach a taiko school in Hamburg, what we are doing the same to eat, someone will continue to play a horse game on the Internet, what will tomorrow everything purchased needs and when it would be best, as it is Monday and Tuesday with the legal advisor well targets for the new ambulatory care are gone, music is being sung, considerations that fit cut pictures still on the door, as well tomorrow to dance , as it can go on with the new acquaintances, etc. pp.)
Too little, because 'I' do not really think much, but somehow serves only as a shell. Anyway, it feels like for me. There is so much that I think that come the thoughts that I have such in mind, just from the other and I sharing it as a spectator. A little bit I can influence the direction and perhaps also, but I really 'me' focus is impossible or meaningless. Then there is no more. Only emptiness.
I can pick out a thought and focus it on them, so I more with the person who has these ideas closer together, and all other thoughts perceive less (what happened stop, if you focus;)) But it ' is my 'idea or opinion or idea, I do not feel this. I take these ideas and opinions is not really for me or something, but am largely lack of opinion. If I have to express an opinion, I look for a 'right' from (if no one pushes further forward), which is based completely moment happened and situational. I also have no relation to when the situation in which it was so needed is completed. And why just my faith, I am actually not a separate person, but tools.

But what I say today really wanted ...
'Split' is the main content of everyday thoughts.
is mentioned briefly next week release the new ambulatory care and I'm looking forward to working very common.
We take care of that very reason, collect all the documents that we have collected over the years, and to add or adjust again. Since we are very busy this place, so we just active and much to us and what's happened to us and helps deal.
moved the same time, again much in the direction offender contacts and it will not spare any expense or effort to re bandeln with the family, because the need for this familiarity and the contents and being seen is extremely large at the time. (I write 'this' because it is different from what one would expect from friends or helpers get and would like to receive.)
We deal thus with the coming work and sabortieren they also have the same. Ironically, the slow but not a thought of the other, or reduce its effectiveness or moves it to do, but both side by side exists. Ubiquitous. It is, as would one know anything about the activities of others, even though I know it is not so. It also complains no one with the other and says, "Hey, let's get it!" or "Hey, we do not yet work with the supervisor," but both parties just do what they do.
Whether this is so good?
Maybe we need a kind of mediator, but how can run it then?
because I'm getting a little shoulder-Zuck mood.

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Zeitungsartikel zum Thema

Follow this link to find newspaper articles on the topic.

http://www.h-richter-stiftung-zeitungsartikel.blogspot.com/