Thursday, 30/11/2006
"[...] I feel something like fear. But it does not belong to me. Nothing belongs to me. Anyway, I've often felt as if it were .
damn often.
I know I did not actually ask who I am. But I am concerned however about it. Is it at all important? Do I have to know it? Why? It would change nothing. I had better start me to get my plan. A life plan. Something about that I can hold me, something that fills me, makes me happy and shows me that I am a person who can do it. Be happy. I see the other girls and do not feel happy with them. They turn away from me because they do not understand me.
you say I speak in riddles. Here I speak only when I am sure what I'm saying. So they do not scare me and never want to have with you. But still they would go away. They say I'm living on another world, am absent.
hear from the supervisors I know that I seem anxious, looking around their inhibitions and have to talk.
All DBT group says they like me because I am open and friendly and intelligent and have humor. I approach people, I am helpful and condemn anyone.
Some people outside like my profundity, my analytical mind and my skills, to see that thing, that feeling can be seen behind a facade.
Some Few love to my madness, my otherness, my creativity, spontaneity, innocence and my courage.
I do not understand what this is all about. No matter who I ask, everyone believes something different to me to know, for me to like it. If I add up everything that is comprehensible but absolutely no picture of me. I wish I could look in the mirror and see for yourself what makes me ... "
four years of this diary entry ago. I quite understand yet that it is normal for others I always see a little different, as re- others and I myself, it was certainly more pronounced than 'normally', it was certainly due to my many-being, which I guessed at that time more than ignorance or denial mainly have.
I remember how much I and the uncertainty has taken. I was really sad and desperate about the fact that I could not judge me, not even for a moment.
It was the time when I needed a lot of feedback from the outside to me to know ourselves and keep learning. Today I know that it was the beginning of 'my way', then it felt entirely differently, like a deep hole, a dead-end were held by me in which I broke me. I saw no path, no direction, even though it was directly in front of me.
I find it exciting to look back to days and feelings that seemed so important, as they were held. To read how I felt and thought, what a conversation I had then and what was important to me and support was, for me to go on a motivation because I see the development, realize that I am capable and willing to change me and draw strength from this, continue to to fight what is important to me - my life.